This evening, I started reading Motherhood by Sheila Heti. Her writing style reminded me a lot of how I used to write. I used to write my thoughts down how they came, and now I just leave them to be thought in my mind.
I’m thinking of making my last post a big list of the things I’ve learned in the past 100 days. It’s gone by quite quickly. I was lucky enough today to have two meals at a restaurant, one with amazing company.
I’m lucky too, I guess, that there are things to keep me occupied right now. Sheila mentioned something about how a child occupies the woman, something about the reasoning people use against abortions. I have her book, my new game, and my business.
I woke up this morning feeling like a failure. Why was I working when no one will see it? When it won’t matter to anyone, maybe even not to me. I wondered what drove me when I was blogging. I was doing pretty much the same thing, and didn’t have a care for who did or did not see it. It was for me. Man, it has been a while since I thought I did anything just for me. I am though, all the time. Setting things up for me in the future that are meant solely to make me feel better. I’m ending the day pretty satisfied, and maybe even with an idea.
No one sees it, fine. No one reads it, fine. I guess it’s their loss. The people who do read it, like it. That’s something.
What will this money mean in a couple years, if anything at all? Looking with that perspective I could care less what happens to it. But what about the clothes, the food, the textbooks I might need to buy with it soon?
As drake says, I’m upset.